Thursday, July 27, 2006

superman? more like shitty-idiot

Superman sucks and I'll tell you why. He's way too super. Like, check out this list of stuff he can do that I just thought of, off the top of my head:
  • faster than a speeding train
  • more powerful than a bullet
  • able to leap tall buildings (wait, this changed. apparently people didn't think he was "super" enough already. now he can fly indefinately)
  • shoot lasers from his eyes
  • see through anything
  • hurricane breath
  • turn back time through totally unscientific means
  • totally invulnerable
  • impervious to death
why do I care about this character? how do tales of his exploits benefit me in my every day life? I watched "Superman Returns" and a bunch of episodes of Justice League and the only message I gather from this guy's stories is "Look how awesome I am. Dont you wish you were me? too bad, because you're not from krypton. Just give up now cause you're regular and will never be able to achieve anything special". Thanks a lot Superman. My highschool guidence counciller could've told me that.

whats that you say? he's not totally invulnerable? something called kryptonite? well whoop dee fucking doo, he's vulnerable to kryptonite. Like what, it makes him all sick n shit? well hey , here's an idea for you superman - use your fucking brain. Superman is so stupid man, omg. Ive never seen him once plan ahead and arrive prepared, like a responsible crime fighter. He just jumps in everywhere, like the guy everyone hates at a party that thinks he's hilarious for wearing a tshirt that says "I love tits". Superman's only weakness is kryptonite. he knows it. And not just that, but he knows that everyone else knows. Why does he keep falling victim to it? What's he thinking? "Oh geez!.... fuck!....I forgot man....Shit, not again!...dammit!". Like, write it on your hand "kryptonite BAD!" or something you idiot. like, holy shit.

Spoilers: People subconsciously know Superman is shitty. Thats why Superman stories have to be totally filled with all sorts of secondary story. In Superman Returns, Superman is the father of Louis Lane's son. We're supposed to feel happy about this at the end of the movie. But how does his son feel that his deadbeat dad was gone for five years? He may be a "super man", but he's also a shitty father.

Pop quiz: What relevence does his alter ego of Clark Kent still preserve? clark kent to superman is like the "Pause" key on your keyboard - totally useless. So why keep up the charade of clark kent?
My theory: Because if he tells anyone clark kent and superman are one in the same, they'll be like "so what the hell are you doing here in this stupid building? go help someone you idiot! You can do ANYTHING! Just be superman all the time retard!". He's realized that he's dug himself in a huge hole by being Clark Kent this long, so now he has no choice but to continue being clark kent. otherwise everyone will realize how super-shitty he is (unless you're reading this wicked blog, in which case it's too late).


Blogger r a z said...

this is the best blog ever. man, i am glad we are related. i'm gonna add you to the top of my links fucker!

10:07 AM  
Blogger Joe White said...

This blog is even more wicked than a piping hot cup of Armenian coffee.

12:00 PM  
Blogger Joe White said...

This blog is even more wicked than a piping hot cup of Armenian coffee.

12:00 PM  
Blogger Joe White said...

This blog is even more wicked than a piping hot cup of Armenian coffee.

12:00 PM  
Blogger enb said...

this blog of opinions and facts is way more wicked than wikid.

9:45 AM  
Blogger grickleguy said...

Man, Joe must really like Armenian coffee eh.

He said it like 3 times.

This blog has opened my mind to so many wicked opinions and shitty facts. Er, awesome facts.

9:26 AM  

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