Sunday, February 18, 2007

The Internet is Wicked

Do you remember how stupid life was before the internet? Here's a wicked list of stupid things you used to do before the internet:
  • Make long distance phone calls.
  • Go to the library.
  • Pay for music.
  • Listen to your stupid friends.
  • Not read this blog.
Man, those days seem like a lifetime ago.

Here's a lit of the best websites on the net, imwo (in my wicked opinion):
    • It's an awesome fact that Google is the best search engine on the net. Think of it as your gateway to finding everything else that is wicked on the net.
    • YouTube has quickly become the premier website to find videos of stupid shit, making Ebaums world a thing of the internet past. Whether it's the intro sequence to an old tv show or a kitty washing machine, YouTube has it. An easy way to make friends through a shared experience.
    • wikipedia is like an encyclopedia where anyone can contribute. The amount of useful info here is truly breathtaking. (Here's a secret: most my awesome facts are actually from wikipedia!)
    • have you ever written an email to deliberately waste time? Now have you ever thought to yourself "there's gotta be a better way to waste time then by just writing a couple emails"? Well then facebook is the site for you. Once you've registered, you can kiss any remaining productivity you had at work goodbye. Oh and don't forget to add me as a friend. I have plenty of YouTube videos to share.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

those guys I hate when I wanna have a good time at a rock and roll show

My last blog was the worst piece of crap. Noone cares about any of those things I wrote about. This one is gonna be about something important though. Im talking about fat shirtless guys in mosh pits.

Man, dont you hate it when you go to a really awesome show and you're way up front near the stage watching your favourite band, when suddenly a fat shirtless guy comes all moshing around you? First of all, its an awesome fact that moshing is stupid. But second of all, I hate these fat shirtless moshers! The front of the stage is so crowded, you're already touching all these other smelly guys that you'd normally avoid if you were on the subway. Now here comes this fat shirtless mosher, making sure everyone gets a feel.

Man, these guys are such selfish pieces of crap. I wonder if they know everyone around them hates them. We're looking and thinking "oh please God, keep that shirtless fat guy away from me. Eeeuuuukkh, he's covered in sweat!"

I wish I had a good solution to this problem. Its my wicked opinion that the best combatant is common sense. If you're fat and like moshing, think about others and put yourself in their shoes. say to yourself "If I was that guy, would I want to be touching me?". And for everyone else who just wants to have a good time, if you spot a fat shirtless mosher, my advice is try to find a guy who's even bigger that doesnt like moshing (he's probably standing around angrily with his arms crossed and has a bald head) and hang around that guy. He'll be a good barrier between you and anyone that tries to invade your comfort zone.

Monday, October 02, 2006

random shit about stupid shit that is really dumb

Holy moly man. Do I still need to be told smoking is bad? OKAY! Im convinced. Yes yes, I get it. Nicotine, addiction, black lungs, cancer. I get it man. Shit, leave me alone!

Like, I got this picture in an email...
Man, that's so dumb. The people who came up with that painting thought they were being clever and edgy and poignant. But look at those two guys smoking. They're just thinking "cool painting". I know that's what you're thinking. So what have we learned? A whole load of nothing!

Man, chain emails are so stupid.

Hey everyone on the internet: Stop making stupid flash cartoons! Stop right now. It's gonna suck so please stop. What? you have a new one of george bush and osama singing new stupid lyrics to yankee doodle? well too fucking bad. Man, I better not recieve anymore stupid bush/osama bloody hell damn jib jab shitty ass cartoons.

Here's a list of things that are no longer funny:
  • george bush
  • ninjas
  • arabs
  • jesus
  • robots
  • hitler
Oh hey guess what. There was some rotten old fart on Larry King today talking about his new book. In it he reveals that the Bush administration may have (gasp)...LIED!! What? You mean the same George Bush as the president? the master linguist George Bush? You mean to tell me that he's not all that he may appear to be? omg... I must buy this book!!!1!1! (this is me being sarcastic)

Holy shit, another book on george bush? ANOTHER one? Come on man, seriously what the hell? It's my wicked opinion that George Bush must've driven stocks up a gazillion percent. There must be a whole category dedicated to george bush now. How could someone who, he himself, reads so badly, can generate so many books?

What could this idiot possibly say in this book of his? Like honestly, what else is there to say? Hasnt everyone made up there minds already? Are there STILL people who're like "ehhhhh I dunno....My opinion on Bush can still go either way"?

Im gonna make a book on george bush too now. My Book is gonna be called "George Bush: A State of Confusion". It's an awesome fact that most books on george bush make a stupid pun with the word "State" in the title. The front cover will have a black and white picture of bush looking stupid and have the american flag super imposed. The second "o" in "Confusion" will be shaped like a sniper rifle crosshair, representing "the war".

Bloody hell, the only person left to write a book on George Bush is George Bush. Then when he does he'll go on larry king. Then Larry, like the stupid moron that he is, will be all "did george bush lie!?" and bush will all be like, "my book shows evidence that points in support to such claims" and larry will conclude, "fascinating!".

Fuck, it's the same stupid shit every stupid day. Twenty four hour news is the worst thing ever. Kookamanga, there isnt enough news in the world to fill 24 hours a day EVERY DAY! I think after OJ someone said "omg, we can make tons of money by showing the same dumb thing over and over again for the entire day. Let's just show some scary crap and end the segment with 'Could this happen to us? all we can do is wait... and see...'". CNN is exactly the same as stupid entertainment tonight, "reality tv" and wrestling. Just scrounging for more crap to put on air simply to continue making business. Only difference is that it's "on" for TWENTY FOUR HOURS! I remember when there was the six oclock news and then the 11 oclock news. Thats it man, thats it!

Not everyone that has an opinion on something should be listened to. It just confuses things and perpetrates stupid issues, which is exactly what "they" want, cause then there's more news and more stupid idiots with stupid opinions and shitty facts.

Man I hate this blog.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

ring around the rosey

If it's one thing I learned from movies it's that little girls know when shit goes bad. Little girls are like animals during a hurricane - they're always the first to know. If you see a little girl singing a nursery rhyme and combing a dolls hair, that's your cue to get the hell out of the house, cause things are about to about to get royally fucked. if you ever lose the little girl, dont worry. just follow the echo of her giggle.

But little boys are nothing but trouble. Those little pussies are full of ambiguity. They'll run and be all scared and crying and shit, but how can you be sure anything is really wrong? Yea sure, those scrapes and bruises look convincing, but that was probably the neighbourhood bully that lacerated his face. If you want my attention then Im gonna need some hard evidence. where's the cold dead stare? Can you maybe draw an omenous picture of who's gonna die next? Maybe an evil grin? Atleast point at something behind me so that I know what I should be looking for. Then before you know it, Bam! someone else dies! fuck kid, a little warning maybe? yea sure, it's easy to say "I told you" AFTER the fact. you know what you little brat? fuck you, im still not gonna believe you.

uh-oh. hurricane.

awesome fact: this blog sucks

Monday, August 14, 2006

the history of shitty music

Music videos are so stupid. If you enjoy watching music videos you should think about making some life changes.

It's an awesome fact that MTV killed music. Check out this list of wicked albums that came out in 1980. What a wicked year. But then MTV came in 1981 and ruined everything. Suddenly appearances are important and people saw how ugly guys like Tony Iommi and Angus Young really were. Sissy losers who can't sing or play guitar now have a way of becoming famous - by making a stupid video. This marks the beginning of stupid shit like "hair metal", "boy bands", "hip-hop moguls" and "the triple threat diva".

Music used to be about the music. But then it became about "media consumption". The product is the "the artist". The commerical is the music video. It's selling you the fantasy of living the the artists desirable lifestyle. Dont you wish you were P-Diddy? You'd get to drive nice cars with hoes in them and always dress in white suites. Your life is a pile of ass next to his. But hey, if you buy some "sean jean" clothes you'll be a little more like him.

This is why good bands always have shitty ass videos - all they know about is making good songs. Any video will only take away from the awesomeness of the song.

trick question: how can a video capture the awesomeness of "Run To The Hills"?
answer: it cant. thats why the video is a ridiculous mix of Maiden on stage and funny stock footage. There's no point in trying to make a good video because music videos are stupid, so this is all you get...

It's like watching a movie and afterwards saying "the book was better". This is my favourite music video.

All is not lost. It's my wicked opinion that music has already gotten better and the trend will continue. And thats because of the internet. Grandma can go online and download Jukebox Hero by Foreigner and email it to her grandchild. And grandchild will hear that one guitar and buy a beat up six string from a secondhand store. He doesn't know how to play it, but he know's for sure...

this blog is like a piece of iron

I just reread my last post and it was pretty crappy. It's my resolution for the end of august to make less crappy posts and to have more wicked opinions and awesome facts.

Its an awesome fact that a new rocky movie is coming out, and it's going to be called "Rocky Balboa". This is interesting because I thought for sure they would have called it "Rocky 6".

I always thought the Rocky saga came to its logical conclusion with the story of Tommy "The Machine" Gunn in Rocky 5. One thing I dont get though, didn't the characters in the movie realize that his name "Tommy Gunn" was already a stupid pun? They probably thought they were being really smart by giving him that nickname, when they were actually being really dumb. Thats how it usually goes with dumb people I guess.

It's my wicked opinion that Rocky 4 we the best Rocky. Here is the best scene. When Ivan Drago says "he is like a piece of iron" I get goosebumps, everytime.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

too angry/boring - also dogs

my last two posts were way too long and angry. It's my resolution for the month of august to make shorter and more positive blogs.

It's my wicked opinion that pets shouldnt be neutered, but instead given vesectomies. I did some googling and found this article. They list reasons why it's probably a bad idea though, like the extra cost of vesectomies, your pet getting diseases, and peeing and still having sex.

This article is full of bullcrap and I'll tell you why. Because it's an awesome fact that a dog is a mans best friend and if my best friend wants to mount that bitch and tap dat ass, I think he should. You shouldnt try to change things just for your own selfishness, like saving a couple bucks. Accept your horny dog for who he is. He brings you your slippers and protects your kids even when they pull his tail like bratty little jerks. He's totally earned the right to pee around your house - just like any other of your stupid drunk friends. And if he's fighting for breeding "rights", then neutering him takes away those rights and taking away rights is un-American.

I also think dogs would take the of risk getting diseases like testicle cancer. Cause you know who else had testicle cancer? Lance Armstrong. And he won seven tour de france's AND has sex with sheryl crow. What's your ball-less dog done lately? Probably sitting around, thinking "why dont I have balls?"

Its my wicked opinion that the real issue here is people just dont wanna see dirty sex, be it human or animalae. People keep anthropomorphisizing things, putting their emotional hangups on animals. I bet the guy who invented neutering had some fancy female poodle that "mated" with a stray mutt and it totally reminded him of his inability to satisfy his wife. But guess what mister fancy pants? Foo-Foo totally loved it and probably couldnt wait to get some more. And that mutt was probably Benji. He needed the touch of a warm bitch so that he could continue with his heroic deeds and heartwarming adventures.

dammit this is too long and boring.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

geeks and nerds

nerds are cool, because they're helpful with their brainy inventions. Everyone intuitively loves nerds. Even jocks love nerds. Nerds do the jocks lab report and in return the jock helps the nerd get some chicks.

But geeks suck. Geeks take nerdy things and ruin them. Star Trek TOS (TOS is how geeks refer to star trek, the original series. it stands for "The old shit") was written by nerds who wanted to make commentary on moral dilemmas and ethics and how it relates to you, the viewer, in your every day life and society. I saw one episode of TOS where these aliens were having a war totally on computers because it was too expensive to have a real war and when the computers say you've been killed you gotta go disintegrate yourself. Think about the morals n shit, eh. Would you be able to kill yourself cause a computer told you so? It's the only episode of TOS I've ever watched.

Then the geeks took over and made new star treks. But geeks are so stupid. Now star trek is about stupid shit like romulans and bjorins or klingons and romulans. or stupid relationships. Man, I dont care if worf is dating councillor troy and what effect that has on "number one" Riker. who cares if crisco's son wants to be a journalist? star trek is stupid anyway, just get on with the metaphor and simile's. fuck.

you know those geeks that can speak klingon? think about all the time they spent learning klingon. what a fucking waste of time. a nerd wouldve used that time to read about calculas or philosophy, then help the needy with his new knowledge. geeks are even dumb when they think they're being smart.

science fiction used to be about the science in the fiction. but now its about fiction with spaceships and stupid aliens. "the alien has four eyes and armour class -1. Ooooooh science fiction!". fucking geeks man. unbelievable.

Remember that game you used to play, Wolfenstein 3D, made by some nerds? well you've still been playing it for over 10 years now. Ya, cause DOOM, FEAR, Half Life, etc are just new levels of the same old game. Cause you're still running and shooting in the exact same way. The geeks struck again while you werent looking and used their geek mind tricks to make you think "story" and "characters" and "cinematics" equal "new game". Geeks are so stupid, they dont realize a game is contextless. Look in the basketball rulebook, I bet you wont see "Michael Jordan" or "Shaq" in there. Chess, the wicked game of nerds doesnt need characters. Unless you play "geek chess", where all the pieces look like characters from star wars. fucking geeks, I hate geeks!

my wicked opinion on geeks: their lives suck so much that they want to live vicariously through made up shit. they probably suck at sports, school, and life in general. But calling geeks stupid will probably make them even lamer. Its good to help people. The next time you see a geek, try to encourage them to be proactive. encourage them to join some athletics or a club of some kind (but like, not a geek club!). tell them they're "pretty good" and "geting better" even if they suck shit. a shitty basketball player is way better than a shitty star trek writer.